performative_contrition
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— | performative_contrition [2020/10/08 16:52] (current) – created radioangel | ||
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+ | ====== Performative Contrition: ====== | ||
+ | __Originally posted on Birdsite by mm_schill__ | ||
+ | **Link to Thread:** https:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | ---- | ||
+ | |||
+ | I want to talk about something called " | ||
+ | It is a term common in abuse survivor circles, and is a VERY common abuse tactic. It's an abuse tactic that's been on full display in the SFF community the last few days. | ||
+ | |||
+ | So, let's break it down. A THREAD. | ||
+ | So, what does performative contrition look like? | ||
+ | Simply, it is when a person who is caught being abusive apologizes in a grandiose fashion. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Meaning, very publicly, in front of a lot of people. They use EXTREMELY self-prostrating language. | ||
+ | The apology tends to be highly focused on how the bad behavior is effecting the abuser, not how it is effecting the victim. | ||
+ | The language is self deprecating, | ||
+ | Let me be clear about the " | ||
+ | |||
+ | The apology is NOT for the victim. They aren't apologizing to those they hurt. They are begging the pardon of the audience. | ||
+ | It's for them. | ||
+ | They aren't asking their victims to forgive them, they are placating the audience. They are trying to placate the people who can collectively hold them accountable, | ||
+ | They aren't apologizing to the women they hurt. They are asking the men watching to stick by their bro. | ||
+ | There is also another insidious aspect of performative contrition: ingratiating, | ||
+ | |||
+ | They are so self deprecating, | ||
+ | They make their apology so relentless, violating your physical and emotional boundaries, that it causes discomfort. | ||
+ | In online forms, they constantly are posting, threading how sorry they are. They explode your DMs, feeds and online walls with relentless messages to forgive. | ||
+ | They reply to EVERYTHING with relentless self deprecation, | ||
+ | |||
+ | This is not about being forgiven. This harassing, over the top, relentless apology is meant to PUNISH YOU. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Embarrass you. Make you sorry for forcing them in that position. | ||
+ | And the biggest aspect of the performative contrition is placating and deflecting. The goal is about not being held accountable. | ||
+ | |||
+ | That's why today we saw a certain dude-bro meltdown, talk vaguely of having receipts against his victims, then vacate the territory. He rage-quit. | ||
+ | It was, "well, I said the sorry, then I wasn't relieved of all accountability like last time!" | ||
+ | The goal of the over contrite, public apology is to placate. It didn't work. That's not how things are *supposed* to work to the abuser. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Paint by numbers. | ||
+ | They said the " | ||
+ | Another aspect is to make the victim feel gaslit/ | ||
+ | You feel pressure to forgive. There is public pressure to just let them off. In fact, they are SO SORRY in everyone' | ||
+ | That's purposeful. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Every aspect of it is about undressing, gaslighting, | ||
+ | I previously said that it is horrible how followers are lining up to forgive the abusers in their mentions, when the apology wasn't theirs to forgive. | ||
+ | But, in a very real way the apology was for the followers, not the victims. It is a performance to avoid fallout. | ||
+ | In the end, a true apology is focused on making the victims whole again. | ||
+ | |||
+ | I don't want to talk about "when do these men get to come back?" I want to talk about "how are we as a community going to make these victims whole?" | ||
+ | Because things aren't okay again once these men can operate in our spaces again. That's just returning to status quo. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Things are okay, finally, once the harmed parties recieve restitution for what was taken from them. | ||
+ | And, my years in abuse survivor advocacy has taught me a truth: | ||
+ | |||
+ | It HAS to be the community that makes these victims whole again. | ||
+ | |||
+ | The abuser is incapable. The abuser is too broken, and the recovery statistics for predators is dismal (ask our colleague, Andrew Vachss ). | ||
+ | Waiting for the abuser to fix this is a losing game. | ||
+ | |||
+ | This is a community issue. The community has to repair it. | ||
+ | And, that very much may mean never inviting these men back into our spaces. | ||
+ | If the community wants to make these spaces safe for everyone, well, the shortest distance is a straight line, my friends. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Remove the people making it unsafe. | ||
+ | TL;DR | ||
+ | |||
+ | -Public, ingratiating apologies aren't for the victim, they are a performance for the audience, a manipulation to avoid consequences. | ||
+ | |||
+ | -this is a community problem. The community is responsible to make spaces safe. | ||
+ | |||
+ | -These men can yeet themselves into the fucking sun! | ||
+ | FYI: when I said go ask Andrew Vachss, I meant that sincerely. He's a treasure. Go ask him about the pathology of predators, he's a mutha-flippin' | ||
+ | The community might be less apt to write predators redemption arcs if they did. |
performative_contrition.txt · Last modified: 2020/10/08 16:52 by radioangel