darvo:thread_by_hafnia_wandering.shop
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darvo:thread_by_hafnia_wandering.shop [2020/10/08 16:33] – radioangel | darvo:thread_by_hafnia_wandering.shop [2020/10/08 16:43] – radioangel | ||
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**DARVO: Thread by @hafnia@wandering.shop** | **DARVO: Thread by @hafnia@wandering.shop** | ||
- | - __Original | + | - **Original |
- | - Reference: https:// | + | - **Reference:** https:// |
// | // | ||
- | ___ | + | |
+ | ---- | ||
It's important to know what DARVO is and how it's used as a tool to bully people into silence/ | It's important to know what DARVO is and how it's used as a tool to bully people into silence/ | ||
- | DARVO is an acronym. It stands for: | + | **DARVO is an acronym. It stands for: ** |
- | Deny | + | **Deny |
Attack | Attack | ||
- | Reverse Victim and Offender. | + | Reverse Victim and Offender.** |
It is a technique that is used by abusive people to cover up their abuse. | It is a technique that is used by abusive people to cover up their abuse. | ||
Line 31: | Line 32: | ||
At this point, they will double down and begin attacking their victim. Sometimes it looks like attacking their credibility, | At this point, they will double down and begin attacking their victim. Sometimes it looks like attacking their credibility, | ||
+ | Once *any attention* is paid to the attack, they will begin reversing the victim and the offender in the situation. In day-to-day interactions, | ||
+ | |||
+ | **Consider: | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | Something like: " | ||
+ | |||
+ | The focus then shifts back to the whistleblower, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Annnnnnnnd the original abusive person gets off more or less scot-free. They now have plausible deniability next time they are called out. | ||
+ | |||
+ | In many cases, they end up building up supporters, because people see them being " | ||
+ | |||
+ | __It is *insidious*. | ||
+ | |||
+ | It is extremely common, especially in smaller communities. | ||
+ | |||
+ | *You have to be aware of how to stop it*.__ | ||
+ | |||
+ | **Whenever you see conflict between two people who are asking you to "pick sides", | ||
+ | |||
+ | -Who brought the original accusation? | ||
+ | -Was that accusation grounded in reality (that is to say, it is something that makes sense and was not completely out of left field)? | ||
+ | -How did the person who was accused respond? What was *their* take on it? Were they apologetic and humble, or did they attack the other person and convince their friends to close ranks? | ||
+ | |||
+ | **Also consider: ** | ||
+ | |||
+ | -Who is being positioned as the victim? Do they have a history of BEING the victim? Does their " | ||
+ | |||
+ | **Finally, think about: ** | ||
+ | |||
+ | -Does the victim have a history of alienating people? Consider this: abusers can be charming and seem incredibly kind and charismatic, | ||
+ | |||
+ | **Once you know how to spot it, you gotta know how to stop it.** | ||
+ | | ||
+ | Honestly? The only way to win is not to play. | ||
+ | |||
+ | But if you gotta -- if you are being forced to "pick sides" in some never-ending ridiculous conflict...and it's important to you that you DO pick a side... | ||
+ | |||
+ | Ask yourself the questions. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Figure out who is employing this technique. It's rare, but sometimes BOTH sides will, and they' | ||
+ | |||
+ | Where you can, *shine light on the original accusation*. Abusive people get out of accountability for their behavior by bringing up things that are *not relevant to the discussion at hand*, sometimes misrepresenting them. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Focus on what the original accusation was. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Do not give in to the temptation to debate the semantics of whether or not the whistleblower is at fault. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Recenter the narrative and make it about the original abusive act. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Point out that the person who is being called out for bad behavior is trying to rugsweep by using DARVO as a tactic. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Focus on what was originally done, not something that is long in the past or not relevant to the topic at hand. | ||
+ | |||
+ | **Let' | ||
+ | |||
+ | John has been sexually harassing Jane at work. Jane is uncomfortable and finally snaps at John, calling him an asshole, before reporting him to HR. | ||
+ | |||
+ | It's Jane's word against John' | ||
+ | |||
+ | Jane tells HR what happened. John is allowed to defend himself. | ||
+ | |||
+ | John focuses on how Jane is " | ||
+ | |||
+ | John posits that Jane is under a lot of stress and " | ||
+ | |||
+ | HR *has* to pick a side -- they can't *not*. John also has notes in his personnel file, but Jane is flustered and doesn' | ||
+ | |||
+ | **How should HR handle this? ** | ||
+ | |||
+ | -Focus on the *first* event. This is about John harassing Jane, not about whether or not Jane is pleasant to work with. | ||
+ | -Practice active listening and speak with Jane one on one, away from John, to get details. | ||
+ | -Speak with John, and prevent him from talking about Jane's past behavior in his recounting. | ||
+ | |||
+ | **By focusing on the initial event and not allowing the other person to bring up things that have happened in the past, you will learn a few things right away: ** | ||
+ | |||
+ | 1). The whistle blower' | ||
+ | 2). The story told by the accused will change rapidly, depending on what they think the listener wants to hear. | ||
+ | |||
+ | 3). The accused is going to try *every tactic they can think of* to keep the listener from " | ||
+ | 4). When the accused doesn' | ||
+ | |||
+ | 5). At this point, it is on you to let other people know what the situation is and what the accused is trying to do. You have to keep the focus on *their* behavior, and support their victim -- the ACTUAL victim. | ||
+ | |||
+ | If you can do this, congratulations, | ||
+ | |||
+ | **Finally: | ||
+ | |||
+ | If you are the whistleblower, | ||
+ | |||
+ | There is not a lot you can do, but there are a few things. | ||
+ | |||
+ | **There' | ||
+ | |||
+ | The temptation is to think that you're dealing with a reasonable human being, and they' | ||
+ | |||
+ | **Don' | ||
+ | |||
+ | **Don' | ||
+ | |||
+ | **Don' | ||
+ | |||
+ | **Don' | ||
+ | |||
+ | Repeat what you have said, with evidence if you have it, make sure other people have the full story, and let 'em know about DARVO if you are comfortable doing so. Then bow out. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Does it suck? Oh yeah, ABSOLUTELY. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Does it hurt? You betcha. | ||
+ | |||
+ | But simply refusing to engage and walking away is the healthiest thing you can do, even though it sucks. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Again, the only way to win is not to play. | ||
+ | |||
+ | You did a good thing, telling your truth and bringing their bad behavior to light. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Eventually, other people will see that. | ||
+ | |||
+ | In the meantime, hey. | ||
+ | |||
+ | I believe you. | ||
+ | |||
+ | **If you are reading this and feel like parts of it are extremely uncomfortable, | ||
+ | |||
+ | **If you feel ashamed of how you have been acting, realize this: growing up in an abusive household means that the coping strategies you learn are abusive. It is *on you* to realize that they do not bring you happiness and do the work to relearn them. | ||
+ | ** | ||
+ | **You can start by identifying what you do and making an effort to stop it.** | ||
+ | |||
+ | There is no shame in saying, " | ||
+ | |||
+ | You do not have to fight back. | ||
+ | |||
+ | You do not have to escalate things. | ||
+ | |||
+ | It's okay to be wrong, and it's okay to admit to it. Growing and learning are part of life. | ||
+ | |||
+ | If you're reading this and going, "But I AM always the victim, people are evil and no one realizes it until they come for me!", consider that unless you are the protagonist in a YA novel, it is more likely that everything is shades of gray and that you are perpetuating this cycle, whether you want to or not, and also consider how to break free of it. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Therapy is a help if you can afford it, but if not, there are a lot of self-help books out there to aid you in learning how to do better. | ||
+ | |||
+ | That's it, really. That's all there is to it. Really simple, except...also not. | ||
+ | |||
+ | So. | ||
+ | |||
+ | I grew up in an abusive household. I left an incredibly abusive relationship in 2017. I have Been Through It. | ||
+ | |||
+ | If you are having a hard time and don't know where to start, be it with books or something else, feel free to reach out. | ||
+ | |||
+ | I'm not " | ||
+ | |||
+ | If you need someone to talk to who is not going to judge you for your behavior, past or present, but who will instead try to help you untangle your thoughts and get to a point where you are safe and healthy and can begin addressing what's wrong, please feel free to drop me a line. I can't promise a lot of support, but I will do what I can, even if it's simply listening. | ||
+ | **/thread** |
darvo/thread_by_hafnia_wandering.shop.txt · Last modified: 2020/10/08 22:03 by radioangel