User Tools

Site Tools


darvo:thread_by_hafnia_wandering.shop

Differences

This shows you the differences between two versions of the page.

Link to this comparison view

Both sides previous revision Previous revision
Next revision
Previous revision
darvo:thread_by_hafnia_wandering.shop [2020/10/08 16:39]
radioangel
darvo:thread_by_hafnia_wandering.shop [2020/10/08 22:03] (current)
radioangel
Line 1: Line 1:
-**DARVO: Thread by @hafnia@wandering.shop**+====== DARVO: ====== 
 +===== Thread by @hafnia@wandering.shop =====
  
-- __Original Link:__ https://wandering.shop/@hafnia/104997378933311199 
  
-- Reference: https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html+**Original Link:** https://wandering.shop/@hafnia/104997378933311199 
 + 
 +- **Reference:** https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html
  
  //Reposted with permission of Hafnia.//  //Reposted with permission of Hafnia.//
  
-___+ 
 +----
  
 It's important to know what DARVO is and how it's used as a tool to bully people into silence/complicity in bad behavior.   It's important to know what DARVO is and how it's used as a tool to bully people into silence/complicity in bad behavior.  
  
-DARVO is an acronym. It stands for:  +**DARVO is an acronym. It stands for: ** 
  
-Deny +**Deny 
 Attack Attack
-Reverse Victim and Offender.  +Reverse Victim and Offender.**  
  
 It is a technique that is used by abusive people to cover up their abuse.   It is a technique that is used by abusive people to cover up their abuse.  
Line 33: Line 36:
 Once *any attention* is paid to the attack, they will begin reversing the victim and the offender in the situation. In day-to-day interactions, it can be hard to tell who is actually at fault, and this is often extremely successful.   Once *any attention* is paid to the attack, they will begin reversing the victim and the offender in the situation. In day-to-day interactions, it can be hard to tell who is actually at fault, and this is often extremely successful.  
  
-Consider: +**Consider:** 
  
 "They're only calling me out because [something that ties to the previous personal attack]."   "They're only calling me out because [something that ties to the previous personal attack]."  
Line 45: Line 48:
 In many cases, they end up building up supporters, because people see them being "attacked" (rightfully called out for doing things that are harmful or dangerous to the community), and want to step up and defend them, because they have triangulated themselves such that they are successfully read as being a victim each time.   In many cases, they end up building up supporters, because people see them being "attacked" (rightfully called out for doing things that are harmful or dangerous to the community), and want to step up and defend them, because they have triangulated themselves such that they are successfully read as being a victim each time.  
  
-It is *insidious*.  +__It is *insidious*.  
  
 It is extremely common, especially in smaller communities.  It is extremely common, especially in smaller communities. 
  
-*You have to be aware of how to stop it*.+*You have to be aware of how to stop it*.__
  
-Whenever you see conflict between two people who are asking you to "pick sides", you have to stop and ask yourself:  +**Whenever you see conflict between two people who are asking you to "pick sides", you have to stop and ask yourself:**  
  
 -Who brought the original accusation?   -Who brought the original accusation?  
Line 57: Line 60:
 -How did the person who was accused respond? What was *their* take on it? Were they apologetic and humble, or did they attack the other person and convince their friends to close ranks? -How did the person who was accused respond? What was *their* take on it? Were they apologetic and humble, or did they attack the other person and convince their friends to close ranks?
  
-Also consider:  +**Also consider: ** 
  
 -Who is being positioned as the victim? Do they have a history of BEING the victim? Does their "victimhood" only seem to arise whenever there is conflict (i.e. they are not being bullied per se, they are bringing up that they are a victim when someone mentions credible concerns regarding their behavior)? -Who is being positioned as the victim? Do they have a history of BEING the victim? Does their "victimhood" only seem to arise whenever there is conflict (i.e. they are not being bullied per se, they are bringing up that they are a victim when someone mentions credible concerns regarding their behavior)?
Line 65: Line 68:
 -Does the victim have a history of alienating people? Consider this: abusers can be charming and seem incredibly kind and charismatic, but they can't maintain that facade at all times, and many people will see through their shit and simply stop talking to them without giving in to this narrative. We're not talking about, "they're hard to get along with and it's clear why people wouldn't like them", but "they seem nice, I don't know why people attack them so often" -Does the victim have a history of alienating people? Consider this: abusers can be charming and seem incredibly kind and charismatic, but they can't maintain that facade at all times, and many people will see through their shit and simply stop talking to them without giving in to this narrative. We're not talking about, "they're hard to get along with and it's clear why people wouldn't like them", but "they seem nice, I don't know why people attack them so often"
  
-**Once you know how to spot it, you gotta know how to stop it. ** +**Once you know how to spot it, you gotta know how to stop it.** 
      
 Honestly? The only way to win is not to play.   Honestly? The only way to win is not to play.  
Line 107: Line 110:
 -Speak with John, and prevent him from talking about Jane's past behavior in his recounting. -Speak with John, and prevent him from talking about Jane's past behavior in his recounting.
  
-By focusing on the initial event and not allowing the other person to bring up things that have happened in the past, you will learn a few things right away:  +**By focusing on the initial event and not allowing the other person to bring up things that have happened in the past, you will learn a few things right away: ** 
  
 1). The whistle blower's story is unlikely to change substantially when they are asked about what happened. They may add or subtract details, because memory is fuzzy, but the heart of it will stay the same.  1). The whistle blower's story is unlikely to change substantially when they are asked about what happened. They may add or subtract details, because memory is fuzzy, but the heart of it will stay the same. 
Line 117: Line 120:
 5). At this point, it is on you to let other people know what the situation is and what the accused is trying to do. You have to keep the focus on *their* behavior, and support their victim -- the ACTUAL victim.   5). At this point, it is on you to let other people know what the situation is and what the accused is trying to do. You have to keep the focus on *their* behavior, and support their victim -- the ACTUAL victim.  
    
-If you can do this, congratulations, you're on your way to building a healthy community.+If you can do this, congratulations, you're on your way to building a healthy community.\
  
-Finally: +**Finally:** 
  
 If you are the whistleblower, and this happens to you, please note that you are not alone. It is a *common* tactic, laughably common.  If you are the whistleblower, and this happens to you, please note that you are not alone. It is a *common* tactic, laughably common. 
Line 125: Line 128:
 There is not a lot you can do, but there are a few things.   There is not a lot you can do, but there are a few things.  
  
-There's another useful acronym here -- JADE. Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.  +**There's another useful acronym here -- JADE. Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. ** 
  
 The temptation is to think that you're dealing with a reasonable human being, and they'll listen to you and take what you say in good faith, but...they won't. The temptation is to think that you're dealing with a reasonable human being, and they'll listen to you and take what you say in good faith, but...they won't.
  
-Don't Justify what you did. They will twist it and use it against you. +**Don't Justify what you did.** They will twist it and use it against you. 
  
-Don't Argue -- this feeds their victim complex.  +**Don't Argue --** this feeds their victim complex.  
  
-Don't Defend -- it makes you look guilty, and they will absolutely latch onto that.  +**Don't Defend --** it makes you look guilty, and they will absolutely latch onto that.  
  
-Don't Explain -- there is no explanation you can give that will make them stop being an asshole.  +**Don't Explain --** there is no explanation you can give that will make them stop being an asshole.  
  
 Repeat what you have said, with evidence if you have it, make sure other people have the full story, and let 'em know about DARVO if you are comfortable doing so. Then bow out. Repeat what you have said, with evidence if you have it, make sure other people have the full story, and let 'em know about DARVO if you are comfortable doing so. Then bow out.
Line 173: Line 176:
 Therapy is a help if you can afford it, but if not, there are a lot of self-help books out there to aid you in learning how to do better. Therapy is a help if you can afford it, but if not, there are a lot of self-help books out there to aid you in learning how to do better.
  
-That's it, really. That's all there is to it. Really simple, except...also not.   +That's it, really. That's all there is to it.
- +
-So.  +
- +
-I grew up in an abusive household. I left an incredibly abusive relationship in 2017. I have Been Through It.   +
- +
-If you are having a hard time and don't know where to start, be it with books or something else, feel free to reach out.   +
- +
-I'm not "happy" to share what I've learned, but I feel like it's necessary. +
- +
-If you need someone to talk to who is not going to judge you for your behavior, past or present, but who will instead try to help you untangle your thoughts and get to a point where you are safe and healthy and can begin addressing what's wrong, please feel free to drop me a line. I can't promise a lot of support, but I will do what I can, even if it's simply listening.  +
- +
-**/thread**+
darvo/thread_by_hafnia_wandering.shop.1602175176.txt.gz · Last modified: 2020/10/08 16:39 by radioangel