darvo:thread_by_hafnia_wandering.shop
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darvo:thread_by_hafnia_wandering.shop [2020/10/08 16:39] – radioangel | darvo:thread_by_hafnia_wandering.shop [2020/10/08 22:03] (current) – radioangel | ||
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- | **DARVO: Thread by @hafnia@wandering.shop** | + | ====== |
+ | ===== Thread by @hafnia@wandering.shop | ||
- | - __Original Link:__ https:// | ||
- | - Reference: https:// | + | - **Original Link:** https:// |
+ | |||
+ | - **Reference:** https:// | ||
// | // | ||
- | ___ | + | |
+ | ---- | ||
It's important to know what DARVO is and how it's used as a tool to bully people into silence/ | It's important to know what DARVO is and how it's used as a tool to bully people into silence/ | ||
- | DARVO is an acronym. It stands for: | + | **DARVO is an acronym. It stands for: ** |
- | Deny | + | **Deny |
Attack | Attack | ||
- | Reverse Victim and Offender. | + | Reverse Victim and Offender.** |
It is a technique that is used by abusive people to cover up their abuse. | It is a technique that is used by abusive people to cover up their abuse. | ||
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Once *any attention* is paid to the attack, they will begin reversing the victim and the offender in the situation. In day-to-day interactions, | Once *any attention* is paid to the attack, they will begin reversing the victim and the offender in the situation. In day-to-day interactions, | ||
- | Consider: | + | **Consider:** |
" | " | ||
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In many cases, they end up building up supporters, because people see them being " | In many cases, they end up building up supporters, because people see them being " | ||
- | It is *insidious*. | + | __It is *insidious*. |
It is extremely common, especially in smaller communities. | It is extremely common, especially in smaller communities. | ||
- | *You have to be aware of how to stop it*. | + | *You have to be aware of how to stop it*.__ |
- | Whenever you see conflict between two people who are asking you to "pick sides", | + | **Whenever you see conflict between two people who are asking you to "pick sides", |
-Who brought the original accusation? | -Who brought the original accusation? | ||
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-How did the person who was accused respond? What was *their* take on it? Were they apologetic and humble, or did they attack the other person and convince their friends to close ranks? | -How did the person who was accused respond? What was *their* take on it? Were they apologetic and humble, or did they attack the other person and convince their friends to close ranks? | ||
- | Also consider: | + | **Also consider: |
-Who is being positioned as the victim? Do they have a history of BEING the victim? Does their " | -Who is being positioned as the victim? Do they have a history of BEING the victim? Does their " | ||
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-Does the victim have a history of alienating people? Consider this: abusers can be charming and seem incredibly kind and charismatic, | -Does the victim have a history of alienating people? Consider this: abusers can be charming and seem incredibly kind and charismatic, | ||
- | **Once you know how to spot it, you gotta know how to stop it. ** | + | **Once you know how to spot it, you gotta know how to stop it.** |
| | ||
Honestly? The only way to win is not to play. | Honestly? The only way to win is not to play. | ||
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-Speak with John, and prevent him from talking about Jane's past behavior in his recounting. | -Speak with John, and prevent him from talking about Jane's past behavior in his recounting. | ||
- | By focusing on the initial event and not allowing the other person to bring up things that have happened in the past, you will learn a few things right away: | + | **By focusing on the initial event and not allowing the other person to bring up things that have happened in the past, you will learn a few things right away: ** |
1). The whistle blower' | 1). The whistle blower' | ||
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5). At this point, it is on you to let other people know what the situation is and what the accused is trying to do. You have to keep the focus on *their* behavior, and support their victim -- the ACTUAL victim. | 5). At this point, it is on you to let other people know what the situation is and what the accused is trying to do. You have to keep the focus on *their* behavior, and support their victim -- the ACTUAL victim. | ||
- | If you can do this, congratulations, | + | If you can do this, congratulations, |
- | Finally: | + | **Finally:** |
If you are the whistleblower, | If you are the whistleblower, | ||
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There is not a lot you can do, but there are a few things. | There is not a lot you can do, but there are a few things. | ||
- | There' | + | **There' |
The temptation is to think that you're dealing with a reasonable human being, and they' | The temptation is to think that you're dealing with a reasonable human being, and they' | ||
- | Don't Justify what you did. They will twist it and use it against you. | + | **Don't Justify what you did.** They will twist it and use it against you. |
- | Don't Argue -- this feeds their victim complex. | + | **Don't Argue --** this feeds their victim complex. |
- | Don't Defend -- it makes you look guilty, and they will absolutely latch onto that. | + | **Don't Defend --** it makes you look guilty, and they will absolutely latch onto that. |
- | Don't Explain -- there is no explanation you can give that will make them stop being an asshole. | + | **Don't Explain --** there is no explanation you can give that will make them stop being an asshole. |
Repeat what you have said, with evidence if you have it, make sure other people have the full story, and let 'em know about DARVO if you are comfortable doing so. Then bow out. | Repeat what you have said, with evidence if you have it, make sure other people have the full story, and let 'em know about DARVO if you are comfortable doing so. Then bow out. | ||
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Therapy is a help if you can afford it, but if not, there are a lot of self-help books out there to aid you in learning how to do better. | Therapy is a help if you can afford it, but if not, there are a lot of self-help books out there to aid you in learning how to do better. | ||
- | That's it, really. That's all there is to it. Really simple, except...also not. | + | That's it, really. That's all there is to it. |
- | + | ||
- | So. | + | |
- | + | ||
- | I grew up in an abusive household. I left an incredibly abusive relationship in 2017. I have Been Through It. | + | |
- | + | ||
- | If you are having a hard time and don't know where to start, be it with books or something else, feel free to reach out. | + | |
- | + | ||
- | I'm not " | + | |
- | + | ||
- | If you need someone to talk to who is not going to judge you for your behavior, past or present, but who will instead try to help you untangle your thoughts and get to a point where you are safe and healthy and can begin addressing what's wrong, please feel free to drop me a line. I can't promise a lot of support, but I will do what I can, even if it's simply listening. | + | |
- | + | ||
- | **/thread** | + |
darvo/thread_by_hafnia_wandering.shop.1602175176.txt.gz · Last modified: 2020/10/08 16:39 by radioangel